


What's Down Fodlan's Throat?

by purple_bookcover



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Academy Era, Dick Pics, Gen, ashen wolves judge dick pics, kinkmeme prompt, there are implied background relationships but that's not really relevant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:48:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24916366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purple_bookcover/pseuds/purple_bookcover
Summary: Welcome to this week's edition of "What's Down Fodlan's Throat?" in which hosts Yuri, Hapi, Constance and Balthus judge REAL LIFE dick pics from REAL LIFE Officers Academy students. This week's special guest is Dorothea, who will help us evaluate five of the wildest, weirdest and wonkiest wangs we've ever witnessed!
Comments: 30
Kudos: 77





	What's Down Fodlan's Throat?

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally the Ashen Wolves and Dorothea judging hand-drawn dick pics made by the Academy students. Don't @ me. It was a kinkmeme prompt, OK? 
> 
> I'm not a great artist ... but I drew all the dicks. So. Be forewarned. Drawings of dicks.

Yuri set a smooth black stone on the table.

“Ready?”

Hapi, Constance, Balthus and Dorothea nodded. They sat around the table in a circle, hands folded before them. 

Yuri took his seat. “If you would.”

Hapi muttered a spell. Magic flowed into the stone, giving it a faint gray halo. 

Yuri smiled. 

“Hello, friends.”

#

“Shh,” Annette hissed. “It’s starting.”

Everyone fell silent, crowding in around the stone on the table. 

“How’s it looking out there?” Sylvain rasped.

Claude smirked, turning away from the locked doors of the Golden Deer classroom. Benches and tables had been shoved in front of the door just for good measure. 

“All good,” Claude said, sauntering up to the rest of the students crowded around the glowing stone on the table.

“Hush!” Annette said. “I can’t hear.”

“...another edition of ‘What’s Down Fodlan’s Throat?’” Yuri’s voice emanated from the stone, a little fuzzy, but audible. “Shall we get started, friends?”

No one breathed. Sylvain was trying not to smirk. Hubert glowered from the back of the group, Ferdinand clinging to his arm. Annette was so close to the stone she could lick it, Ashe right beside her. Caspar was pacing, Raphael was eating and Ignatz was twirling a pencil nervously between his fingers. Marianne looked so pale she might faint and whatever Hilda whispered to her did nothing for her complexion. Lysithea rolled her eyes while Leonie held back laughter.

“Why do you all not just measure the dicks now?” Petra said. “As you are all present.”

Leonie broke, her laughter loud over Yuri’s silky voice. 

Claude leaned down, whispering to Petra.

“Strange,” Petra muttered, but she quieted along with the rest. 

“Let’s get to our first dick of the evening,” Yuri was saying through the stone.

#

**Dick Pic #1**

“Ah, what have we here?”

Everyone leaned toward the stone, as though they might be able to see what Yuri was looking at if they only got closer. 

“Well, friends, it seems our Repeat Offender has returned once again,” Yuri said. “We thought we’d just get this one out the way. No need to linger.”

“Ugh, this guy again,” Hapi said.

“Honestly, hasn’t he had enough?” Constance said. 

“Hey, pal,” Balthus said, “a little friendly advice: Hire yourself an artist.” 

People on both sides of the stone broke out into laughter. 

“Seriously, it’s like a stick figure drawing of a dick,” Hapi said. 

“Now, now.” Dorothea’s voice this time. “Perhaps he is not … blessed in girth.”

“Judging by this noodle, yeah, I’d say not,” Hapi said. 

“Friend,” Yuri cut in, “save yourself future embarrassment. If you absolutely insist on continuing to send the young maidens of this Academy unsolicited pictures of your … little buddy, spend some coin on a halfway decent artist. It’s the least you could do for yourself.”

“And them,” Hapi drawled. 

The Golden Deer classroom was raucous with laughter. 

“Who do you think it is?” Annette said. “Repeat Offender, who is he?”

“Oh, I imagine he’s someone wealthy,” Claude said. “Well-connected. With far too much confidence to his name.”

His eyes slid toward Sylvain, who’d turned redder than his hair. 

“I’m not--!”

“Shhh!” 

His protests were cut off as Yuri continued.

#

**Dick Pic #2**

“Now this,” Yuri said, shuffling papers, “this is a work of _art_.” 

“This is a well-loved dick,” Dorothea said. “For sure. Look at the shading.”

“Is that a vein?” Hapi said.

“That’s a mighty fine slong, no doubt about it,” Balthus said. 

“It is a bit garish,” Constance said.

“Coco, that’s not nice. This is art!”

“She may have a point there,” Yuri said. “The flowers framing the member are a bit much, if we’re being honest.” 

They went on critiquing the extraneous details, the beautifully rendered vines and leaves sprouting around the cock in the drawing. 

Back in the Golden Deer classroom, every eye turned to Ignatz.

“W-why do you think--” But he could not even finish his denial.

“So,” Hilda said, “whose is it? Whose dick is so beautiful you gave it a whole garden?” 

“I-I-I-I-” Ignatz looked about to faint. 

“One peculiar feature,” Dorothea was saying through the stone, “is that right there. Do you see it?”

“Why, you’re right, Ladybird,” Yuri said. “Dick Artist, you may have revealed yourself. This dick has a quite charming scar right above it, just peaking out of the fine light hairs fanned around it.”

Ignatz wobbled, reaching for support against the table. 

“A scar...” Raphael said. “Iggy, is that why you asked me to--”

Ignatz reached up, slapping his hands over Raphael’s mouth, but Raphael’s voice was clear right through them.

“Well, I’m flattered, buddy!” Raphael boomed. Ignatz cringed at each word. “I worked hard for that scar.” 

Ignatz sank to the floor as Yuri moved on.

#

**Dick Pic #3**

“This is quite a beautiful specimen,” Yuri said.

“Oh, I am a fan,” Dorothea said. “Have you had one of these before?”

“I rather think we have not, in fact.”

“This is a special one.”

“I don’t get it,” Balthus said. “What is it?”

“This, friend, is a dick of human construction.”

The students in the Golden Deer classroom shared confused glances.

“Stone,” Dorothea said. “Perhaps … jade? At least originally. It has an interesting looking texture. Naturally, we are relying on the artist’s interpretation, but I’d say this started as a precious stone of some sort.”

“Quite,” Yuri said. “Hapi, what do you think. Magically enhanced?”

“Hapi,” Constance hissed.

There was a noise, as though Hapi had been slapped, then: “Huh. Oh. What was the question?”

“Well, Jade Dick,” Yuri said, “it seems you have at least one fan among the illustrious ‘What’s Down Fodlan’s Throat?’ crew. Bravo, friend.”

“It is almost certainly magical,” Constance said. “My presumption would be that white magic would work quite well for a device such as this.”

“Oh?” Yuri prodded. “And how might one go about using it?”

“It’s quite simple, obviously,” Constance said. “You see the leather straps. They are not mere ornamentation. One secures them around one’s hips, so that the member might protrude thusly. Then, a willing partner might receive the...” Constance finally faltered.

“It’s a magic dick?” Balthus cut in. He breathed a quiet “wow ... So, so if someone wanted to get something like that--”

Another slap somewhere on the other side of the stone. 

Yuri returned after a moment, composed. “Well, Jade Dick. You have certainly impressed us. I daresay you produced the finest cock we’ll see this week.” 

In the Golden Deer classroom, Marianne had her face in her hands. Her ears, the only part of her face still visible, were red as tomatoes. 

Hilda, meanwhile had her hands behind her head and her feet on the table. Half the assembled gaped at her, the other half at Marianne.

“What?” Hilda said. “It’s a good dick.”

“Let us continue,” Yuri said.

#

**Dick Pic #4**

“It seems there are multiple artists among us this week,” Yuri said. “I daresay this is an exceptionally blessed edition of ‘What’s Down Fodlan’s Throat?’”

“This thing is like a portrait,” Hapi said. “Who the hell is up there commissioning portraits of their dick?” 

“Now, now,” Yuri said. “There are many noble and noteworthy students in the Officers Academy this year. I am sure many of them have the means for such a thing.”

Dorothea grumbled, too quiet to hear. “If it’s all the same, they might put their money to better causes.”

“It is a pretty dick, though,” Balthus said.

“That it is,” Yuri said. “Quite shapely. A good size, without being ostentatious. I daresay it would not overstay its welcome. It seems a very refined and polite guest, as far as these things go.”

“The hair,” Constance said. “It is neat. Trimmed. It shows a certain refinement.”

“Very astute,” Yuri said. 

“It’s pretentious,” Dorothea said. “This is the dick of someone who thinks they’re too good for fucking. They’ll only ‘make love.’” 

“They may well,” Yuri said, “but there are occasions when that could be preferable.” 

“I’ll pass,” Dorothea grumbled.

“Hey, I have a question,” Hapi said.

“Yes?”

“Why’s there a horse in the background?”

Every eye in the Golden Deer classroom turned toward Ferdinand von Aegir, now hiding behind Hubert’s cape. 

“A mystery for another day, I suppose,” Yuri was saying. “Horse Lover, you’ll have to send us more samples for a thorough evaluation. Moving on.”

#

**Dick Pic #5**

“We’ve come to the end, I’m afraid,” Yuri said. “But all such things must reach their ends.

“I have to confess, our last sample is … confounding.”

“It’s not a dick,” Balthus said.

“Why did you even include this, Yuri-bird?” Hapi said. “What is this thing?”

“It appears to be … well, I’m not quite sure,” Constance said. “And … there’s an entire story written over it?” 

“Yuri-bird...” 

“Now, now,” Yuri said. “Don’t be hasty. I believe it is _meant_ to be a dick.”

“We shan’t intuit the intentions of the dick pic senders,” Constance said. “The rules are clear: Send in a picture.”

“A _picture_ ,” Hapi said. “You know, a drawing. An image. Of a _dick_. Not a damn novel and … whatever this is.” 

In the Golden Deer classroom, the students shared perplexed looks, muttering to each other. They’d never heard Yuri and the rest of his crew anything less than supremely confident in their evaluations. This was truly a first for “What’s Down Fodlan’s Throat?”

“What do you think it is?” Annette said.

“Well, it’s obviously not a dick,” Lysithea said.

“Another one of Hilda’s inventions?” Claude suggested, to Marianne’s instant mortification.

“Maybe it’s food,” Raphael said. “Speaking of which, how much longer will this take?” 

More theories flew, growing increasingly strange as the hosts of the show continued to provide no answers. 

Then, finally, a gasp, sharp even through the muffling power of the stone.

“Sweet Seiros,” Dorothea said. “I know what it is.”

On both sides of the stone, silence fell – perfect, breathless silence.

“It’s … it’s … it’s a dick, but … but a dick shaped like a sword. It’s a sword-dick.” 

“The Tale of Gelix the Chivalrous,” Yuri said. 

In the Golden Deer classroom, more and more eyes started to slide toward Ashe, who watched the stone with unfiltered delight.

“Well,” Yuri said, “‘Gelix,’ whomever you are, you have quite the terrifying cock.”

“And quite the devoted admirer,” Dorothea said.

“Truly,” Yuri said. “Your deeds are, shall we say, legendary. I hope you’re wielding that thing well. If not for you own sake then at least for...” a shuffling of paper, “your squire, Nashe.”

“My, my, a squire,” Dorothea said.

“What a lucky little squire they are,” Yuri said. “The tale of Gelix and Nashe. Why, I may just read the rest of this. Until next time, listeners. Stay horny.”

#

Far across the monastery, Felix Hugo Fraldarius missed his thrust, sword slashing right past the training dummy as his blood went cold. The magical stone hidden in his pocket went silent, replaced by the clatter of the sword that fell from his numb fingers. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, Light, for teaching me how to put images in this! (That's who to blame for what you experienced btw)
> 
> I'm on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/purplebookcover) (18+ please).
> 
> I respond to every comment. Thank you, friends!


End file.
